Wednesday, January 14, 2015

A Lesson In Being Vulnerable...

Have you ever felt exposed? Vulnerable? Weak?

I was talking to someone yesterday about being vulnerable and how hard and scary it can be. It opens you up to {gasp} feelings! I know I hate the feeling of being vulnerable.

But the conversation made me push myself yesterday and today to actually be vulnerable. To tell two people what my needs are. Two people who I otherwise like to be strong and have my s*it together around. So this was a gasp kind of moment for me.

But... you know what? It worked out just fine. I knew these two wouldn't pounce on my vulnerability, but I wasn't exactly sure how they would react. I needed them to hear what I was saying. Not to hear me but make me do it their way anyway. But rather to hear me, and then let me do it my way. And they both did. Bless their little hearts.

Yesterday I was riding and I "had the best ride ever on Bob." That is what my trainer said. But inside, I didn't feel that way at all. Inside I was nervous and jumpy. Super edgy. I felt it as I was driving to the barn. So my mind was already made up for me before I even got on him {big mistake there.} So my trainer was seeing one thing and I was feeling another. My confidence was not there yesterday. Not one bit. Usually if I feel that way I will fake it till I make it kind of thing. But when she asked me to do something that I wasn't comfortable doing, I said NO. I never, ever say no. I might take a while to do it, but I never say no. I always try. And then I was feeling so vulnerable and exposed by saying no. Even though she knew I could {probably} do it, she let me do it my way. It felt good. She heard me. She didn't make me feel weak or chicken or afraid or whatever... She just let me feel good about what I had accomplished for the day. Oh, how I needed that.

Then this morning I had to be vulnerable to my workout trainer. That is a really hard one. She is tough and strong and does not like excuses. But if I want to keep working out, she has to hear my needs. I need motivation and inspiration. I used to go to a place where the woman "motivated" you by screaming the whole time at the class. Sorry, but that's not motivation in my book. I need encouragement. I need a "you got this!" So I texted her that I was having a hard time getting my mojo back for working out and might need a little extra help tomorrow night at class. She responded "of course!" No bashing or saying I'm a wimp... None of that. In reality, she never would say that, but it's the stories that we create in our heads that are the most dangerous. Truth.

But if I didn't text her that, I most likely would have skipped class because my motivation is lost. It's probably hiding in the Cayman Islands... Where I live, it's cold and dark and I just want to be cozy in my pj's and in bed at night! The last place I want to be is working out. But... I am going to FORCE myself to go tomorrow night and hopefully it will set me back on course again.

Exposing yourself can feel very intimidating. Keeping your guard up feels much safer. But then people don't know what you really need from them. So in my attempt at pushing myself to be vulnerable, I am proud to say that it felt good and it all worked out. Give it a try... If you're anything like me, it's not all that easy. But so worth it!


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